Dear Birthmother Letter

The whole time we were trying to get everything completed for our home study, we were also working with the Independent Adoption Center to write and design our Dear Birthmother Letter. We spent a long weekend back in May secluded up at the family lake house writing our letter. It was a challenging exercise and helped us really focus on our family and why we wanted to be parents. It was challenging because we know that for us to become parents, there is a woman that will be going through a tremendous amout of pain and loss. It is expected that adoption is a joyful event in which everyone gets their needs met and everything works out for the best. As wonderful as adoption can be, there will also be immense pain involved on both sides. We won't even pretend that we understand the pain that a birthmother must go through, but we know first hand the painful path we have been on to become parents.  Although the loss and heartbreak that we have endured is different, it hurts us to know that this pain and suffering lies ahead for the birthmother we will ultimately connect with.

How do you put all of that into a letter?  We found out pretty quickly that you don't.  The letter that we sent into the agency to review was heavily edited. Although we tried to stay true to ourselves, it just ended up feeling like a really rosy version of us.  Looking over the other letters of other adoptive families, many of the greetings and elements sound similar.  What we really wanted to say was: We are so sorry you are having to make this difficult decision.  You will probably feel the pain for the rest of your life.  Most of the birthmothers that we know continue to feel pain, doubt, anguish, etc. long after they make the decision to pursue an adoption plan.

How do you counter that?  We hope on some level our letter shows that we will be really dedicated and loving parents.  Perhaps on some small level we can try to ease a little bit of the pain for someone. We hope that one of the joys of an open adoption will be that our child will know that they are loved and that their birthmom chose us to be their family. We want to welcome a birthmother into our family so that our child knows who he/she is, where he/she came from, and that he/she is incredibly loved. We know that there may be no way to take away the pain, but we hope so much that our birthmother knows that her child will be sooooo loved and cherished.

After many edits, our letter was finally approved by the agency.  Our friends have told us and reassured us that it does sounds like us.  Chris actually designed it himself and we love the overall look.  This is our letter.